Thought: The Power of "I Forgive You"

Everyone can benefit

If only I had said "I forgive you". 

Nearly 20 years ago I was in a new job and, to be honest, struggling to pick up the more technical aspects, which really hit my confidence. It was shift based work and on my particular shift there were 5 people, and we all worked in close confinement to one another in a small corner of a larger office, to the extent that you couldn't say anything without everyone else on shift hearing it. On my particular shift was a muscular, brash, intimidating antipodean fella about 10 years older than myself, we'll call him Mick. Mick actually started just after me and was highly experienced in the job from other workplaces and very quickly got onside of (brown nosed) higher management who shared our office, and they thought the sun shone out of his arse, he was the new golden boy.

Mick and myself got on ok in the first few months, I'd recently spent a year out in Oz and we had similar tastes in music and conversation flowed quite naturally, I thought we were friends. It was now early November so I asked Mick if he ever went back to see his family in Oz for Christmas, as he'd mentioned that he'd been in europe for a number of years, to which he responded, "All of my family are assholes" and then ignored me for the rest of the shift.

That was when it started….

The next day when I arrived for work, in front of the other shift colleagues, Mick greeted me with "Morning Gayboy". I brushed this off with a smirk as a one off occurrence, keen not to look like I couldn't take a joke in front of people who still didn't really know me. An hour later, and so everyone could hear, Mick said "Get the teas in Gayboy"  while looking directly at me. Again, not wanting to look like this bothered me, I got the teas in for the shift.

As the least useful member of the shift I didn't have a problem with getting a round of tea, I had done it countless times before and we took turns to do so. 

I'm the sort of person who loves a piss take with friends, and actually uses the volume of piss taking as a marker of how good a friendship is. So I was desperate not to be that guy that couldn't handle a little ribbing. I had just come from a workplace where we were borderline evil to each other, but it was mutual, and some of those guys are still close friends to this day. However, as this continued and escalated over days and weeks I was fully aware that this was NOT piss taking. This was Mick going on an orchestrated campaign to undermine and belittle me at every given opportunity and had now been going on so long that another member of the shift had started calling me Gayboy too (it was my new name). Our shift leader was a lovely guy, but wasn't making any effort to help me out, which probably would have just made me look weak if he did anyway, which may be why he didn't, but he didn't even talk to me about it in private. Not having anyone I felt I could talk to (Mick had all upper level management in the palm of his hand at this stage), I became increasingly insular and incredibly depressed. Insomnia was killing me as I lie awake at night working through in my head ways to counter Mick's behaviour, or witty comebacks that might make him look stupid. I'd also have thoughts of pinning him against the wall and headbutting him until his face was unrecognisable, and praying that he would get knocked off his motorbike and killed. My hatred for Mick had reached a level that I didn't even realise was possible until this moment. I felt like my sanity was spiraling out of control, and though I had discussed this with my wife, who was very understanding, she was also at a loss as to what I should do about it. After another month or so I plucked up the courage to email our shift leader and request a private chat. I was at the point where I didn't care what anyone thought about me. He was, obviously, aware of what was being said, but admitted that he wasn't sure how to deal with it himself or the depth of how it was affecting me. As I was explaining to him the depth of the issue I started shaking as months of anxiety and anger poured out, tears were rolling down my face and it was taking all of my restraint to not turn into a blubbering wreck. To his credit he immediately raised the issue higher up the chain and Mick was given his marching orders (he was on a temporary contract that did not get renewed). I'd like to say that was the end of it, but the effect of those 4 months of spiraling into my own personal hell took a huge toll on my confidence and was still affecting me 10 years down the line. I still started shaking with anger when talking about it to those I trusted, and felt that the management at work, who were close with Mick, looked upon me as a pathetic grass (though this may have been in my head).

Move on to 3 years ago. Memories of Mick have subsided now, but a deep depression had struck a year earlier, of which the Mick experience was probably one of the foundations to, and we were under new management. I had started reading about Buddhism and practicing the methods to clear my mind, but this next episode was too much for this junior Buddha.

We had been made redundant a few months back, but were back on a temporary contract. Covid was making the headlines, the first lockdown was underway, the kids' schools were closed and new management was in utter shambles. My stress levels were through the roof. We were offered permanent contracts and were promised that our shift pattern and conditions would not change. As soon as contracts were signed they went back on everything they said and started threatening to withdraw shift pay if we didn't come up with a shift pattern that they approved of, which was impossible given the conditions they gave us. They had no idea what we did, they had no understanding of shift patterns and were behaving like the love child of Hitler and Kim Yong Un. My deep seated anger towards management, also fuelled by the political situation, was affecting my relationship with my wife and children. I was just angry all the time, with everyone, and everything. After a month or so, things settled down, they accepted our shift pattern and I had changed my mindset towards the job, seeing it as a monthly contract that I could walk from at any time, but my hatred towards my manager continued. I would refer to him as c#%t or Shitbag or whatever was the worst thing I could think of at the time. He was still, and still is for that matter, behaving like a tyrant, and I would frequently disappear into 20 minute angry rants when trying to explain the situation to people, completely oblivious to how unhinged I had allowed myself to appear.

There are a few other examples I could list here as well, but I think the point is made. After a great deal of contemplation over both of these issues above I came to the realisation that my anger, anxiety and hatred had come from my own inability to control the situation, and from a desperation for some sort of revenge that I didn't know how to get.

It was around this time that I read The Kingdom of God is Within You, which is written from the premise of non resistance to evil by force, and that by resisting evil with force you are allowing yourself to be controlled by the evil of those who are victimising you. I always hated violence and war so this book aligned with many of the principles and beliefs that I held already, but as much as I agreed with it, I didn't know how to let go of my anger.

It probably took me another 6 months of contemplation on this before the answer came to me, which was forgiveness.

I'd always fought against forgiveness in the past, as I felt it was letting the perpetrators off the hook for their crimes, and felt that these people need to be punished; and how is forgiving them going to punish them?

But by refusing to forgive them, the only person I was punishing was myself and those closest to me, while they were not only getting off scot free but also reveling in my sorry messed up state.

So one day I tried it, I forgave my manager for everything he had done and said, I forgave Mick for the inner turmoil I allowed him to cause me. I didn't tell them I forgave them as it was not necessary, though had I openly forgave Mick at the time (and you have to mean it), it would have sent a very clear message that, not only was his behaviour unacceptable, but also that he was not going to get in to my head.

The immediate difference in how I felt upon forgiveness was as if I had been freed from some sort of captivity. I was no longer a slave to my anger.

I think it's also important to understand that, though both Mick and my manager are sociopaths, they are that way either by unfortunate genetics, or by unfortunate parenting/childhood experience. Is compassion not the correct response to someone who is really just manifesting their own inner anguish and turmoil, and by destroying their hold over me and opening up the door to compassion it offers a bridge of some sorts for them to shed some of whatever they are holding on to. I can certainly say that, with regards to my relationship with my manager, things are great, he still treats others like a doormat, but our relationship has changed. I still don't think he's a nice person, and I tell him directly when he's mistreating others, and amazingly, he seems to respond positively.

After years of hating and wishing death on Mick and dreading running into him, I now hope for a reunion, just so I can discuss with him how his actions affect people and how I forgive him. It might not work, but who knows….